La ‘luz de gas’ es una técnica de manipulación muy utilizada por los maltratadores psicológicos que hace que las víctimas empiecen a cuestionarse su juicio, sus sentimientos, sus recuerdos y su realidad. Por su nateraleza sutil, a las propias víctimas les cuesta darse cuenta de lo que está sucediendo.

The abusers use the ‘gas light’ to achieve and retain power in the relationship.They erode the confidence of his partner over time making him believe that his interpretation of the facts is incorrect, and the more he thinks about it, the more the version of the abuser begins to believe.

"People who do not know how to argue with authenticity or be faithful to their word resort to gas light as a tool," explains psychologist Shannon Thomas, author of Healing from Hidden Abuse Abuse."They resort to tactics like this to generate confusion, and that is a symptom of the weakness of their character".

This abstract term comes from the play of 1938 Gaslight, by Patrick Hamilton (later adapted to the cinema in the 40s), in which a man tries to convince his wife that he is going crazy to prevent him from thinking aboutYour abuser behavior.

It is also a tactic to which the abuser resorts to not assume the responsibility of his bad actions, says the psychotherapist Beverly Engel, author of The Emotionally Abusive Relationship.

"For example, accuse of flirting or being unfaithful can be a smoke screen so you don't look at what he is doing," he warns.

Discover the most frequent phrases of these psychological abusers and tips to solve the problem.

1."That has never happened"

Psychological abusers who use the gas light technique say or do things that they later deny to sow the doubt in the victim, says the social worker Lisa Ferentz, specialized in trauma treatment.

“The victim begins to question his own instincts and becomes more of the‘ reality ’created by the manipulator.Getting more and more dependent on him, "he says.

2."You are too sensitive"

If you try to express that you are hurt or disappointed by something you have said (as a jocular comment about your appearance in front of your friends), you will try to minimize complaining that you are making a mountain of a grain of sand.The goal is to make you feel stupid for trying to defend yourself.

"When the abuser collapses the victim's ability to trust his own perceptions, he agrees to support his partner's abusive behavior and remain in the relationship," says Engel.

3."You are crazy and I am not the only one who thinks"

Over time, these psychological abusers will try to make their victims question their own judgment and use it in their favor.

"Once the victim runs out of self -esteem, the host" confirms "his worst fear:’ It must be true that I am crazy, "says Ferentz.

The abuser may also try to convince the victim's relatives and friends that it is mentally unstable to discredit and distance her from all of them.

“They spread those lies among family and friends of the victim to try to isolate it more.In this way, they get others to be part of the abuser, "says Ferentz.“This reduces the chances that someone creates the victim's version;They disconnect them from the resources that would help them escape ".

4."What a bad memory you have"

“Everyone has small gaps from time to time and does not remember certain details of a conversation for a long time.That is normal, "says Thomas.“However, these psychological abusers question the memory of their victim in multiple situations and levels.Many times they get it because the key to gas light is to make the victim doubt herself.When a victim does not trust herself, the abuser has her completely under her control ".

5."I am very sorry that you think I've hurt you"

At first glance it may seem an apology, but it is not.It is another way to reject their responsibility and blame the victim for misunderstanding the situation, warns psychologist B.Nilaja Green.

"The victim can start to believe that it is too sensitive or irrational and to trust more on the" precise "and" reasonable "interpretation of the abuser than in his own," he warns.

6."If you already know how I wear..."

This is another common phrase in an abuser that uses gas light.Again, it is a way to drain the responsibility for his abusive behavior and, at the same time, to blame his victim.

"The gas light implies twisting the facts to avoid guilt and responsibilities," explains Thomas."By telling the victim that he should have known what was going to happen, the abuser the fault not only for trying to stand up, but also for the reaction that has caused in him".

Depending on the time you have been trapped in this toxic dynamic, it can be "extremely difficult" to get out of it, says psychoanalyst Robin Stern in vice.But it is possible.

“The antidote for gas light is to realize that it is there.The better you know, the easier it will be.

Pay attention to your instinct

Gas light erodes your safety to the point of not trusting your instincts.That is why it is important that you do not lose sight of your feelings and emotions.

"When you feel that tension in the mouth of the stomach or some discomfort in a specific situation, do not discard thought just because another person tells you to do it," says Green."Analyze that feeling, because it could be giving you important information about what you should do next".

Save the history of conversations

In this way, you will have evidence to contradict a manipulator when he tells you that he has never said one thing, recommends Thomas.

You can also write down the summary of your conversations to help you discern reality and fiction.

“When you read your conversation, noted how you felt.Analyze your notes to detect if you have tried to deny your real experiences more than once, "recommends Stern.

Plant yourself attract attention to your behavior...

"Let him know that you have realized that he is manipulating you," recommends Thomas.

For example, if your partner accuses you of being too sensitive, I answer him: “No, I'm not too sensitive.I am reacting as any other person would react to your way of treating me and the things you tell me, "or" no, the problem is that you are not sensitive enough ".

...But keep in mind that, even if you do, your behavior probably does not change

Just because you get attention does not mean that I will change suddenly and start validating your point of view.That is why Ferentz advise the tactics proposed by Thomas.

"Normally they have no intention of changing, so waiting for their fault to accept, apologize and change their way of being only will aggravate their psychological abuse and make you more difficult to escape," he prevents.

APPOJE IN YOUR close, family or psychologist

Ask a close friend or relative how he would feel if his partner did or say what he does and says to you.Ask them also if you have noticed that you act different since you are with that person.

"Do you shrink when you are by your side and agree with everything it says, even if it is not in line with your values?" Asks Green."Have you stopped looking like yourself?".

Many victims of abuse are afraid of telling their loved ones the problems that their relationship passes because they are worried to anger their partner, says Engel.But it is in those cases when it is urgent to seek help.

"In this situation, asking for help may be the only way to keep the trial," says Engel.

If this is your case, plant the possibility of going to a professional specialized in cases of psychological abuse to look for a way out.

This article was originally published in the ‘Huffpost’ United States and has been translated from English by Daniel Templeman Sauco.