If in normal conditions, when each one takes care of in their routines and can go outside, two of the most repeated phrases by the parents of adolescent children are "is exhausting" and "I can no longer", what will they say now that now that nowThey have been locked together, two4 hours a day, three weeks?If conflicts with the teenage child are considered inherent in this phase of development, how to cope with this intense coexistence to be forced in confinement?

Javier Elzo, a sociologist who has analyzed the relations of young people and families for decades, says there is no easy or much less unique recipe.First, “because there are young people and young people, families and families, and circumstances of the most diverse;It is not the same to be confined in a two00 square meter floor where each one has their room to live together in 60 meters ”.

But in addition, Elzo explains, is that the most reasonable solutions to reduce conflict with adolescents, which would be running, to wear energy, and keep the day busy with academic obligations, do not depend on families.“In other countries they let out, and that changes the situation and mood of young people a lot, but here it is not allowed;And the option of reproducing school at home, of occupying adolescents in academic disciplines, is not a matter of parents, depends on the educational centers, ”justifies the sociologist.

However, there are guidelines - such as the traffic light method, which is explained below - that can contribute to facilitating coexistence between adolescent parents and children, to improve family climate, and even reformulate relationships and discover man orWoman in development behind each teenager, something that - according to psychologists and educators accustomed to dealing with them - may positively surprise many parents and even make them more fun and happy confinement.

“We must take into account how we look and what we expect from adolescents;If I look at them as they are vague and hedonistic...I'm going to treat them like that;But you have to listen to them and give them voice to know what they feel, what do they think, how do they see the situation...Their analysis can help the family, ”says the expert pedagogue in Eva Bach emotional education, author among other adolescents," what a wonder "(platform), and speaker of the Educaixa emotionatour and the farm.And it emphasizes that adolescents are very lucid and fun, so that if the parents, instead of warning them, give them their own voice in the family, they can give them another perspective of the situation and confinement.

"If the parents, instead of warning them, give them their own voice, will see that they are lucid and fun"

Eva Bachpedagoga and writer

Along these lines, Cristina García Van Nood, a psychologist and clinical services coordinator of the IFEEL platform, comments that, to reduce conflicts between adolescent parents and children, it is important to anticipate and show comprehensive and facilitator."We can ask, for example, what you need to make it easier to cope with" confinement and coexistence, and if you ask to connect with friends, moments of intimacy, look for alternatives in the domestic organization to facilitate it.

"Unlike young children, who want to interact with parents, who seek contact, adolescents need an exclusive space for them, and greatly favor coexistence understanding that and respecting it, leaving them space and loneliness they need," explains Garcia García.

Bach emphasizes that, in reality, no one can endure well all day with the same people and doing everything together, so that he advises that during the confinement there are times in which each family member - and of course the adolescent - do what whatHe wants "and behind closed doors, without a audience, with anyone who watches or says anything about it".

Just as it is not good to be together, it is not to be locked up all day, each in their space.That is why the specialists consulted state that we must put limits and norms, distribute common tasks and spaces so that everyone contributes to the well -being of others, limit the use of screens...

"The routine has changed and we are living two4 hours, so that we have to review the rules, explicit or not, that work at home, because the distribution of obligations that works normally perhaps now is not fair or adequate," says Garcia..And it emphasizes that it is about "renegotia" the obligations of each one - adults and children or young people - with an eye that coexistence works, anticipating to avoid unnecessary conflicts.

"Routine has changed and we must review the rules and distribution of obligations to avoid unnecessary conflicts"

Cristina García Van Noodpsycologist, IFEEL Clinical Services Coordinator

It emphasizes that there are also many teenagers who in this situation of exceptionality are assuming more responsibilities in the domestic sphere, are more active and collaborators and their own motu are responsible, for example, to prepare food.

IFEEL Psychologist Alert, however, that the relationship with the adolescent children or children cannot be limited to the reef of obligations.“Family dynamics are flooded with complaints, to address them to talk about the routines, why he has not done his homework or collected his room...And we have to find spaces for positive interaction, to play something, to do some funny activity together...”, He points out.

Bach adds that, in addition to listening to the children, "we must be able to talk and relate them to them in another way".And if you are not very accustomed, a good way to start conversation is to ask them if they have any dream, what project would you like to carry out in the future, what steps can now take for it...

In line with that seeing confinement as an opportunity to relate differently to children, Bach emphasizes that you can take advantage to learn from them and with them new skills in which adolescents are very good, such as technological ones, the use ofapplications, social networks...

“We can turn them into our teachers, take advantage to teach us, that they recommend series and see or comment together, to share videos and laughter publications in which they are experts...and spread of that vitality and good humor teenage, ”he details.

Another recommendations of educators and psychologists to improve coexistence with adolescents is to control one's emotions.“Sometimes we are adults by age but not emotionally, and we may get carried away by our fear, anguish, helplessness...And emotions are infected with other people at home and the general climate is thin, ”says Eva Bach.

Therefore they advise not to get carried away by those primary instincts, limit the hours and moments of the day we inform ourselves about what is happening so as not to constantly flood negative news or about the coronavirus."If we emphasize only negative messages, it will harm us, because we enter loop, and our immune system also weakens if we are all the time with unpleasant thoughts," he warns.

Emotions are infected: if one gets carried away by fear and anguish, the weather is thin

He adds that it is a good time to learn to manage our time "from within and to meet ourselves", and advises to dedicate a moment of the day to value what has been good in it, what we have discovered that it usually happens to us unnoticed..."This calms and gives serenity", and that helps to bring coexistence better and to assume more calmly the conflicts that may arise.

One of the dilemmas that many parents are raised these days of confinement is whether to harden or loosen the rules, if in exceptional circumstances of coexistence it is better to be strict or more lax.Psychologist Cristina García advises to weigh each case and choose the battles that were dealt with.

"If we know that the demand for a rule will cause discussions, we must assess whether that discussion will favor coexistence or not," he says.In the case of mobile use and other screens, which is a frequent reason for anger between parents and adolescents, advises to guide the times to avoid conflicts.Consider that it can be more lax and flexible in the schedules and time of use of the screens, since it is more at home, but establishing limits, so that it is a controlled use.

Anyway, if in normal coexistence sparks and conflicts with adolescents are already common, it must be accepted that it is now easy for them to appear even more frequently, taking into account that everyone is subject to more stress, fear, fear,anxiety...And that can cause it to react with more anger and anger.

Therefore, in addition to trying to manage emotions and anticipate situations that may raise conflict, it is important to become aware of which is the best way to face them, with what attitude they must face.

“When there is a conflict, instead of acting from rage and anger, we must give space, let the teenager isolate in a room to calm his impulsivity or, in any case, get away from him to avoid discussing from rage;Then, once calm, we approach and resolve what has motivated the conflict, ”says Garcia.

Eva Bach proposes to apply the traffic light method, and agree with the adolescent to help each other in emotional regulation.In case of conflict, “when one realizes that it is altered, we have to put the traffic light in red light, which means standing, do not follow, we are going to leave it, we will take some time of pause to recompose ourselves;It is the time then of the amber traffic light, of doing the things that help us to reassure us: to vent with friends, to breathe, exercise, put a song that of good vibes...;When we are calm we can put the green traffic light and meet again ”, details the pedagogue.